Today marks 7 years since we first moved to Uganda. Our "Ugandaversary" has always been a point of celebration, even if only in my heart, simply because every year marked God's faithfulness to us in what was sometimes a difficult post that the Lord had called us to.
This past Sunday in church we sang the Kristin Getty song "What Grace is Mine?" The chorus sings,
"So I will go where ever He is calling me.
I lose my life to find my life in Him
I give my all to gain the hope that never dies;
I bow my heart, take up my cross and follow Him."
Seven years ago, I would have sung this with gusto. The missional thought of going where ever He called me, stirred in me a sense of purpose and joy as Eric and I boarded the plane with 8 small children in tow. I was willing to lose my life, to give my all and to take up my cross as I served him in Uganda.
Last Sunday I sat in church in America, with 9 growing children in tow and our home in Uganda so very far away. Our dream of serving Christ there for many years to come has died a painful, horrible death and the tears flow every day still. The first time we sang the chorus through, this glorious missional song felt like sandpaper on the open wounds of my heart.
Then the Holy Spirit, the Great Helper, began to prod...
"Am I not the one that has sent you to this new place?"
"But God, we don't want to be here and not like this!"
"But will you still go where ever I call you? Just like you did 7 years ago?"
"But God, Uganda seemed to have a purpose, but here all I see is how we failed."
"Will you lose your life in this place because you want to find it in me?"
"Lord, I was willing to give up so many comforts in Uganda...water, power, safety... but I don't want to lose my life in this way and in this place, it's too much Lord!"
"Are you willing to take up your cross and follow me?"
"In this place and way, Lord? I don't see anything beautiful about it."
But deeper still The Great Helper searched me and tried me, "Well, actually God, if it is you that is doing the calling, then I am willing...a thousand times my answer will be yes...if only you will give me more of yourself. If you really will fill me with more of you, I'll follow you here. If I really will find myself in You, I'll lose my life in this painful way. Lord, I went to Uganda in obedience to your call. I will now come back from Uganda in obedience to your call. If you want me here, then in truth, I don't want to be anywhere else. Lord, it is a big, heavy, rough, burdensome cross that I never in million years wanted to carry. I don't like how it feels. I wish it would be taken away. But I'll do it for you."
"God, I believe. But please, Lord, I beg you... help my unbelief."
Praying for you often.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I also remember those days and all the joyful anticipation. I pray you can continue to rest in His love for all of you. And remember that joy was real. Recent events don't take that away. I pray the memories if good things and good times and good friends will fill your minds and hearts.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you. The Lord has brought you to my mind and prayers often. His love was poured out for you. You are loved and treasured.
ReplyDeleteCall me anytime. I talked at length today at the IBCD counseling conference with a woman who went through just what you are. She is now the head of a counseling organization. There is hope ahead .
ReplyDeleteJohn and I are praying much for you and the dear children. The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe.! (Prov 18:10) With much love from us in Australia.
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