Jesus Wept

This morning was rough.  As we sat at breakfast, silent except for tears, all of us were feeling the pain of the recent weeks.  The initial turmoil....the revelation of Satan's work, the unexpected packing, the rushed goodbyes, the 24 hours of travel, jet lag, the chaos upon landing, the joy and heartache of grandparents, aunties, uncles, and cousins visiting....has all ended.  Now we are in America.  Eric and I are legally separated.  And life just hurts.

This morning was communion at church.  At breakfast, I reminded the kids that as real as it is that we can taste and see the bread and juice, that's how real it is that Christ died for us on the cross.  And because we know that Christ died for us and we can trust him for our salvation, we know that we can also trust our future to Christ.  But this takes eyes of faith to see because we certainly don't "feel" it right now.

As I held the bread in my hand, I began to pray so earnestly that God would meet us in our pain.  Then Benaiah, who also held his bread while bent in prayer, leaned over and asked, "mama, did Jesus cry?"  The only answer I could give was a fervent yes with a hug, as my own tears spilled over.

Jesus wept.  He saw the damage, death, and decay that came with sin and he sobbed for it.  He knows our pain.  He knows betrayal.  He knows who the enemy is.  And he wept.

Christ gave us hope through the cross and the sacrament of communion drives that hope deep into our hearts.  As we sat together for lunch, somehow a wave of joy had peeked through again...a reflection of the grace of God to meet us in our pain this morning and fill our hearts with a peace that truly passes understanding.

A Dark Providence

I know that this blog has been quiet for some time.  Sometimes God's people walk through such dark valleys that it is hard to even know what to begin to say others...the dark is so dark, that you are tempted to not want others to see.  That has been true for our family in the past three weeks.

We have recently discovered some serious struggles and sin in our family that need to be addressed.  Because of that, we are taking at least a 6-month leave of absence from Uganda in order to fly to America and get some significant counseling and help.

Our hearts are broken.  Our kids' hearts are broken.  It's hard to even begin to make sense of it all.  We know that these things did not take God by surprise.  Our only landing place right now is to trust the sovereignty of God and know that he is working all things for our good.

Please pray for us.  We do not see America as home.  For our kids, America is a strange land on the far side of the sea.  This has been a time of chaos and unsettling events that are difficult to make sense of as an adult, let alone a child.

For now, our immediate plan is that we will be in Georgia at my parents, where God has graciously provided a house for us to stay in.  Eric is already there waiting for us to come this Wednesday. (The kids and I fly out Tuesday night) We are still in need of a good mode of transportation.  We have access to a van that we can borrow, but it is not large enough for all of us.

I read this blog post recently,  never imagining that it would soon apply to us.  But yes, we are coming back as broken people right now.  We are having to trust our hearts to our Christian brothers and sisters in America.  We need much prayer, support, and love.

Please pray:
:: Pray for our hearts.  For repentance, truth, and forgiveness.

:: Pray for our kids and ourselves as we transition to America for a while.  Unlike when we go on furlough, we are not mentally or emotionally prepared for this transition.  It came up quickly (we decided to go about 11 days ago and we leave in 2 days) and has been full of turmoil.  The kids and I are going to have some sense of closure here, but nothing close to what we wish it could be.

:: Pray for the church here and the mission.  Pray that God will protect the church and mission from Satan, who will surely try to use this to destroy the gospel work here.

:: Pray for my health and strength.  I am on a high level of steroids to protect my body from going into an Adrenal Crisis due to my Addison's disease.  But even still, I'm struggling physically with all the stress/lack of sleep over the past weeks and the stress that is to come.

Because of the nature of the situation, I won't be posting too much on here, although perhaps I will continue to post about any fun memories in America that God chooses in his grace to give us.

The song that has been on constant repeat in the past couple weeks is What E'er My God Ordains is Right:

What e'er my God ordains is right:
His holy will abideth;
I will be still what e'er He doth,
and follow where He guideth.
He is my God, though dark my road.
He holds me that I shall not fall.
And so to him, I leave it all.

What e'er my God ordains is right:
He never will deceive me.
He leads me by the proper path;
I know He will not leave me.
I take content, what he hath sent.
His hand can turn my griefs away,
and patiently I wait His day.

What e'er my God ordains is right, 
though now this cup I'm drinking.
May bitter seem to my faint heart, 
I take it all unshrinking.
My God is true each morn anew.
Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart, 
and pain and sorrow shall depart.

What e'er my God ordains is right.
Here shall my stand be taken.
Though sorrow, need, or death be mine, 
yet I am not forsaken.
My father's care is round me there.
He holds me that I shall not fall, 
and so to Him, I leave it all.

Team Retreat

This past week, our family spent a few much needed days of spiritual and physical refreshment on our team retreat. We were blessed to hear from Jonathan Faulk and his wife, as he encouraged us through the book of 2 Corinthians. We are so thankful for this group of people and for all the people who support the work of the mission through prayer and offerings.  To God be the glory!

A Long Week

Whew...what a time we've had lately.  Malaria season has kicked in...with the rains returning the mosquitos are also returning.  William and Benaiah had malaria first, then Katelyn came down with typhoid, then Talitha came down with malaria and some sort of bacterial thing going on, then Benaiah got malaria again, and Rebecca followed that with a tummy bug.  In the middle of all that, I ended up with a blocked kidney (but seemingly not from a stone) that left me in excruciating pain (way worse than childbirth) on Sunday and I spent the day in the hospital getting an Ultrasound and ultimately a CT scan.  On Monday, Talitha spiraled down further and we ended up in the clinic with her for IV antibiotics, antimalarials, and fluid.  Now Eric is playing catch up with the rest of us by coming down with malaria too.  In these seasons, we sure take comfort in God's mercy and compassion and also the prayers of very many saints.  I was listening to Paul Tripp's recent talk at the Gospel Coalition Conference on suffering.  His final point was that suffering happens in community as brothers and sisters in Christ pray for and support one another.  We really felt that last weekend as we walked through some difficult moments, but knew people around the world were praying for us.  

Towards the end of the week, the smiles finally came back out.  Praise God!

And the kids got a turtle as a gift. 

Today, I was able to run in a 5K for CURE hospital.  We have been very thankful for CURE hospital.  They specialize in pediatric brain surgeries...hydrocephalus, spina bifida, and brain tumors.  But they also have helped us out on more than one occasion with stitches, asthma attacks and this past weekend with my CT Scan.  (The radiographer even came back in after-hours from over an hour away to do the scan).  I was so thankful to be able to run today and support a great cause while I was at it.  And running in races here is just an overall great experience...late start times, dance party warm-ups, and dodging bodas and traffic... so much fun! I couldn't convince my family to join me this year, but it was a fun time to catch up with friends.

A Saturday Science Silly

While students all over the world skipped school this past week in order to protest "climate change," my students were busy learning scientific truth via their Apologia science books.  I have been continually blessed by Apologia's God-centered, Christ-exalting, grace-filled teaching through all these many years.

I'm so blessed to be able to teach this crazy crew of mine.

Looks like my littles are gettin' smart.  haha!

Doctrine Class and Two Book Recommendations

::This past week Eric began teaching a Christian Doctrine class.  They are using Louis Berkhof's Summary of Christian Doctrine book.  Eric is really enjoying this class and it seems like the students are as well.  Please continue to pray for these students as they learn.

:: Recently, I have enjoyed two books that are worth a mention here.

The first was sent to us in the mail and unfortunately, my littles, in their eagerness to receive a package, threw out the wrapping before I figured out who sent it to us.  If that's you and you are reading this THANK YOU!!!

This book, Living Life Backwards by David Gibson, is a great explanation of the book of Ecclesiastes.  The first few chapters are quite depressing as they are a good kick in the pants. But just when you are ready to throw the book down, Gibson lifts you back up and pushes you forward as you learn what it means to live your life in light of the end of your life.  It is well worth reading.  Also, I think this would be a great book for a youth group study as well.

The second book is The Common Rule by Justin Whitmel Earley.  This is a fabulous defense (you can tell he is a lawyer...haha!) of cultivating 8 habits into your life. First, Four Daily Habits... kneeling prayer 3 times a day, Scripture before phone, eating a meal together, and turning the phone off for an hour a day... then Four Weekly Habits...intentional conversation for one hour, sabbath rest, fasting, and curating media to a set amount of hours.  Lest you think this is another book on technology to make you feel guilty for hanging out on your phone again, please be assured it is not.  Whether you chose to use his ideas of habits or not, this book will change how you view your habits.  His arguments/logic/lines of reasoning are insightful and inspiring (not a guilt trip!) no matter what you end up putting into practice in the end.  I love how he brings in our love for God and love for neighbors and puts everything into an eternal perspective. So even if you have no desire to change how you do your media/technology/time, I still say read this book!!

One Year RAversary

One year ago today, I woke up with a fever and almost every joint in my body hurting.  I had no idea that a year later I would still be waking up every morning with joint pain and stiffness.  Sudden Onset Seronegative Rheumatoid Arthritis....when your own immune system plays traitor and begins to attack your own body instead of foreign invaders.  It predominantly attacks the joints, but can also attack major organs like the heart, lungs or kidneys.  The fatigue, fevers, swelling, pain, depression, and anxiety have become constant companions of mine...some days aren't so bad...other days, they take almost everything from me.  And the frustration is that there seems to be very little rhyme or reason to it.   I'll be fine for part of a day and then suddenly I'm feverish.  Or one day the pain will predominantly be in my toes, the next in my knee and then my jaw.  Many mornings I wake up wondering "what part of me will hurt today?"  One day I'll be great all day and the next I'll be in bed most of the day.  It's so random!  The medicines (meant to weaken the immune system so that it stops fighting so hard) for it have definitely helped, but I'm nowhere near being in remission.

I recently read a short biography on Charles Spurgeon by John Piper (A Camaraderie of Confidence in his series "The Swans are Not Silent")  I learned that Spurgeon also had RA and Gout...and died from it at the age of 57.  One-third of the last 22 years of his ministry were spent out of the pulpit due to flares or rest or trying to take precautions to prevent his rheumatism from flaring.  I found it encouraging to see that God allowed him to continue his ministry even if it meant cutting back and resting a little more. (Mind you, his "walking pace" of ministry was probably more of a "sprinting pace" for the rest of us! haha!)  I also resonated with his view that RA has a marvelous mellowing effect on a person.  He writes, "I dare say the greatest earthly blessing that God can give to any of us is health, with the exception of sickness...If some men that I know could only be favored with a month of rheumatism, it would, by God's grace mellow them marvelously." 

But even more encouraging was his view that his affliction was designed by a loving God.  He writes, "It would be a very sharp and trying experience to me to think that I have an affliction which God never sent me, that the bitter cup was never filled by his hand, that my trials were never measured out by him, nor sent to me by his arrangement of their weight and quantity."  John Piper comments, "For Spurgeon, this view of God was not an argument for debate; it was a means of survival."  It's true.  How can one even begin to accept affliction if our affliction was sent to us by anyone but God himself and sent to us for our own good?

Spurgeon also saw the blessing of his suffering from RA and Gout.  He said, "I am afraid that all the grace that I have got of my comfortable and easy times and happy hours, might almost lie on a penny.  But the good that I have received from my sorrows, and pains, and griefs, is altogether incalculable...Affliction is the best bit of furniture in my house.  It is the best book in a minister's library." 

Did you know that 13-42% of RA patients struggle with varying degrees of depression? Spurgeon was no exception.  But he saw three ways that God used his depression.  First, it kept him humble.  Second, it gave unexpected power to his ministry as he "heard his own chains clank while he tried to preach to his fellow prisoners in the dark."  And third, he often saw that the depression came just before a large blessing in his ministry... like a black cloud before it breaks into a rainstorm.  His depression became a sort of prophet to him that God was on the verge of doing great things. 

So many blessings can come through RA and sickness in general.  And I'm thankful that over the last year I have experienced much of that blessing also.  It's not a road I would have chosen, but my loving Father chose it for me.  I've been grateful for it's mellowing effect and how it has pushed me to more prayer and more dependence on Him.  I know that I'll praise him for all of eternity for how he has used it in my life for my good and his glory.